Singles - Are we in the church making it easier or harder for them?

A couple of days ago, I reviewed an anonymous lady's article on singleness, as introduced by another friend of mine. I really liked the article, and so I've asked for her permission (through my friend) to have her article posted on my blog.

She's agreed... so here it is:


Single-d Out
Pauline Arp wonders why singles are being singled out, even in the church and what it can do to help the situation.

“So, what’s a girl like you doing single?” asked a married Christian friend the other day. If there’s just one dreaded question in my life, this would be it.

I smiled weakly and muttered, “Er, I don’t know… ask God?”

I never know how best to answer this without ever sounding rude or dismissive. And I’ve tried coming up with various replies, from the defensive “What’s wrong with being single?” to the self-pitying “Nobody wants me” and the corny “Because I’m Pauline, you know, the female equivalent of Paul?” to the plain feeble non-answer “Hah, erm… heh”. They’re unimaginative, but at least they don’t involve coarse joking.

I know friends and family check in on my marital status because they care and, to be honest, I never have an issue when they ask if I’m seeing anyone. But when the question becomes ‘why’ I’m not, their intention eludes me. I wonder why people wonder about my state of singleness, because they wouldn’t unless they think being married is the better state to be in, no? I mean, nobody ever goes up to a married person and asks, “So, why are you married?” or “Why are you not single?” right?

My questioners’ point of view usually becomes clear as their questioning go on. They won’t accept that I’m single because no godly man has taken an interest in me, nor have I in any godly man, enough to begin a relationship and consider spending the rest of our lives together. Instead, they proffer politely that I’m perhaps too picky, or maybe not getting out there enough, or a tad lazy about meeting new people, or just plain lazy about everything (which would then call for a rebuke).

I’d be the first to admit I won’t be accepting marriage proposals from just any Christian man. I’ve got expectations of what a husband is to be – God-fearing heads the list, then more spiritually mature than I am, a heart for missions, and a handful of other qualities which explains why I’m still single. I simply won’t marry a Sunday Christian who can’t lead me or who doesn’t understand my burden for the unpreached in third-world countries. But point is, when I’m asked why I’m single, there is often the implication that I would be better off getting hitched.

This is where I’m really begging the question, “But what’s the problem with being single? Because if we examine what the Scriptures say, 1 Corinthians 7 clearly points to singlehood being the more desirable state where the apostle Paul wish all men were like him (v7). He went on to give the reasons:
32 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs—how he can please the Lord. 33But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— 34and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. 35I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.

But Paul qualified that each of us has our own gift from God (v7), acknowledged the likelihood of one burning with passion (v9) and gave the concession to marry. He also brought home the real point that we are to obey our Maker no matter which state we’re in:
Keeping God's commands is what counts. 20Each one should remain in the situation which he was in when God called him.

Still, even though we Christians know God’s stand on singlehood and marriage from Paul, our Asian culture and social mores would have it that being married is the norm while staying single is the anomaly. And this view is often pervasive in the church too.

The very fact that some churches have ministries for the singles is proof of this. As much as we’d like to think a singles’ ministry is not SDU with religious participants, it often becomes that when the ministry’s activities are planned around providing opportunities for singles to mingle in the name of fellowship.

In such a church setting, singles are subliminally led to think they’re being, well, singled out. A single Christian girlfriend admits it’s hard not to feel outcast in her church which has an activity-centred singles’ ministry. “It makes me feel like an oddball. It makes me wonder if I should get married, and so perhaps I should join the activities to meet potential life partners. It even makes me question if it’s ungodly to be single.”

When we have Family Fellowship, families come together to share their burdens with other families, they are ministered to and they encouraged each other to lead more godly lives. The same thing happens for the other ministries. Why should it be any different for a singles’ ministry? A singles’ ministry should never be where eyes wish to meet and sparks hope to fly.

If the church’s intention is to minister to the singles, then I think it should have a ministry that encourages a single person in his/her state that God has called him/her to. It is to be a ministry where contentment and wisdom are preached and the single’s role in church is emphasised. It’s a ministry where same gender singles share their challenges and encourage one another. For women, it is a gathering to help each other grow in Christ-likeness through studying what God’s word says about singleness and marriage, and where issues such as loneliness and envy are discussed and painful struggles like a yearning for children are dealt with. That, is what I want in a singles’ fellowship and ministry.

Admittedly, not all my single sisters-in-Christ take issue with a singles’ ministry that promotes opportunities for unmarrieds to mingle. They feel the church is a safe environment for such “match-making activities” to take place, the “hit rate with Christians will be higher” and they certainly don’t mind a helping hand in this department.

I know I’ll be labelled ‘idealistic’, but unless you’re a hermit who never steps out of your house, why do think you’ll need a church ministry to help you meet the love of your life? (Which, by the way, should be Christ.) And what is such a ministry advocating - marriage or godliness? There is certainly nothing wrong in hoping to find a partner to share the burdens of life and the Christian walk, but is God and the church unable to provide this support? When you become deliberate in your efforts, there is always the risk of discontentment festering. What then if you don’t find your spouse-to-be at this ministry? Will you be disappointed and struggle even more with singleness? To me, a ministry to help singles pair up reeks of man’s doing and little submission to God.

When we go back to Paul’s point about having undivided devotion to God, we know where our hope and joy are to lie and where our attention is to be directed. We will realise we wouldn’t need a ministry of mixed genders for singles at all. If we’re giving God our undivided attention, then we would be focused on serving Him and His people. We would be active in the various ministries working to build up the church. And these ministries are themselves, though not intentional, opportunities for singles to meet other like-minded Christians. We would be inviting marrieds and singles into our homes without the intention to set singles up or to be set up, but with every intention of embracing each other as they are – our family. Whether or not eyes meet and sparks fly, is beyond the church and entirely up to God.

When it comes to submission, we have the perfect example in Christ at Gethsemane (Matt 26: 36-44), where He cries out to God to spare Him of His impending death on the cross and yet still surrendered to His Father’s will. If Christ submitted to God’s will to suffer an excruciating death on the cross He didn’t deserve, who are we then, in our struggles, to not utter the same: “Yet not as I will, but as you will”?